On Being Caustic

You know the kid who projectile-vomited on me in the playground (previous post)? Well, it happened again. Turns out she thinks I am caustic.

Caustic:

kôstk
ADJECTIVE:	1. Capable of burning, corroding, dissolving, or eating away by chemical action. 2. Corrosive and bitingly trenchant; cutting. See synonyms at sarcastic. 3. Causing a burning or stinging sensation, as from intense emotion: “Most of all, there is caustic shame for my own stupidity” (Scott Turow).
NOUN:	1. A caustic material or substance. 2. A hydroxide of a light metal. 3. The enveloping surface formed by light rays reflecting or refracting from a curved surface, especially one with spherical aberration.
ETYMOLOGY:	Middle English caustik, from Latin causticus, from Greek kaustikos, from kaustos, from kaiein, kau-, to burn.
OTHER FORMS:	causti·cal·ly —ADVERB caus·tici·ty (kô-sts-t) —NOUN

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Published by the Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

--Bartleby.net dictionary

I'll admit, I'm sarcastic sometimes. Most of the time, it's not aimed at anyone, but at circumstances. And, usually, I'm joking around with someone who appreciates the wit. I can tell when the wit doesn't work, most of the time.

I feel surprised, I think, that I missed the cue with Dr. P-V, as I am now thinking of her. The wit is lost on her. I am finding in my new position that I am confronting more cheerless people under one roof than a convention of pessimists. I guess I need to watch my "caustic" wit if I want to get along here. But, wait a minute: do I want to get along here? How long before I join the convention?

I'll admit, it surprises me to find that someone actually doesn't like me and doesn't really want to improve that situation. How does someone become my age and stage of life and care about something like that? How does Dr. P-V get to her age and stage without more humor? I know she was sick, and I know she's exhausted.

I have decided to steer clear. For one reason, I am not long in this job and I choose to direct my energy for essential tasks; if we had to work closely, I would work at it more. Secondly, I really don't care very much about this person or the job to invest too much energy. I managed to live and work all these years without knowing her and I can live longer the same. Thirdly, I'll take responsibility for what's mine, but this is not just about me. If I cared more, I would pursue the question of what's behind her hostility. But, I don't care very much, so that's enough about this. I could care more, but not now.

Blogger friends: do you think I'm caustic? This is how I get therapy now -- invite criticism here.

No, wait -- don't answer that. I'd rather not know! I'll be so sensitive about it now that it will probably self-regulate and I'll learn from it and go on. Like a self-bailing raft, this wave has left my boat a bit unstable, but it will empty by the time I reach the next rapid, and it will be ok.

I admit, I'm sarcastic often. It's a defense against pain and fear. I'm smart and I have a good vocabulary. I can spot people's weaknesses and exploit them. Trouble is, if, on the receiving end, someone is looking to be hurt, they won't be disappointed.

My dad is like that. He is very thin-skinned and does not like to have his weaknesses handed back to him in a joke. I don't, either, but I have a streak of some kind that is ready to laugh at myself. That doesn't make me better than Dad, it just makes it easier to take a joke.

Now, if I came back to Dr. P-V, suggesting that she get a thicker skin or learn to take herself less seriously, then I would be perceived as victim-blaming. I do think there is something going on here that owes to victimization of some kind. People who experience trauma can have unresolved anger. It's sometimes easier to blame institutions and their representatives when overwhelming events cannot be blamed on anything more concrete. I could be projecting.

I need to consider that in my new position, I will be susceptible to these kinds of victims in my work. I am in a position that is more institutional and bureaucratic than I ever thought I would be. People will be looking for excuses to accuse me of abusing my power or seeking to exploit their weaknesses.

I think it would be better for me to learn how to live more into this reluctant gravitas, and to spend more energy trying to build people up, especially the weak ones, especially Dr. P-V. I can change my humor use in the workplace, but it's hard for a victim to change. I'd better take the high road here. I'll save my caustic wit for banter with my true friends, who are strong, smart, and enjoy word play.