Considering that the alternative to turning 50 is pretty bleak, at least on this side of that mystery called "Life," but it's also still shocking to look in the mirror sometimes, I am searching for a way to sustain a sense of deliberate and mindful intent about reaching this age. Actually, I started celebrating turning 50 ever since I turned 49.
The age of 48 was a milestone for the simple reason that Nancy died at 48, and I immediately began to feel as if I were in my 80s, as if I could know what it felt like to be in my 80s. I'm told that is a common feeling, when one outlives a spouse, especially when the death is so sudden and the illness was not known fully until it was all over. And, in a strange symmetry, another important person also died within the year, but my age, so when I turned 48, I realized that not only had I survived, but he did not. Then, in 2001, my mother died too young. I hate Alzheimer's Disease. Then, my brother died at 44, he would have been 45 in September, in June 2005. So, when I reached 48, in 2005, fairly healthy and still standing up, I was sort of surprised. In 1998, and pretty much through 2006, I had very complicated grief.
I did not fear dying or wish for death at 48. Rather, I just had this burden of that age in mind the whole dang year. I made some very difficult decisions in that same year, like leaving a toxic relationship and a toxic workplace. So, after some good work on grief (Thanks to some good therapy and good meds, and in huge credit to PeerSpirit), I went into my 49th year with true rejoicing.
For my 49th birthday, as if to say, "I'm still standing!" I went out and got myself a tattoo, a triskele from my pre-Christian Irish heritage (lots of Irish in my background).
I also bought my vintage Airstream travel trailer (on another post). I went to Michigan to pick it up on a Wednesday, left it in the parking lot at my job, and left on Friday for a week-long retreat for "Isolated Activists" where I met Rachel.
This time last year, Rachel and I were courting and sparking, and I was wrestling with my determination to leave the Midwest and go to Seattle, in the Airstream, after sifting through all of my possessions, finishing my year of teaching, and letting go of tons of baggage of all kinds. But, by Thanksgiving, I think, I knew my move west would be far shorter distance than I had planned.
Let me just say, I made the right decision, to come home to Rachel. I also must admit that, at times, I do wonder "what if" about that cross-country plan to move to Seattle, but those are fleeting thoughts that have mostly to do with my own "stuff" related to my new role as a "woman of maternal influence" and having a suddenly much more noisy and busy life. My wishful thinking about going into my fifties with some gravitas? Forget about it.
Becoming 50 also brings the focus more sharply on the real health concerns that, addressed now, will make for a better body in which to live this noisy and busy life. I get the baseline colonoscopy on Friday. I've had some other tests, routine stuff, and it all looks good, except for the cholesterol. I really want to control that with diet and exercise and not the meds, so I'm going out to the market for dinner and staying away from my nemesis, fast food and having dinner out in restaurants.
Turning 50 needs to be a milestone for me. I am focusing in on it because there is so much good living to continue, so much to look forward to, and I do love my life so much I could shout! I just shouted!
