On Turning 50

Considering that the alternative to turning 50 is pretty bleak, at least on this side of that mystery called "Life," but it's also still shocking to look in the mirror sometimes, I am searching for a way to sustain a sense of deliberate and mindful intent about reaching this age. Actually, I started celebrating turning 50 ever since I turned 49.

The age of 48 was a milestone for the simple reason that Nancy died at 48, and I immediately began to feel as if I were in my 80s, as if I could know what it felt like to be in my 80s. I'm told that is a common feeling, when one outlives a spouse, especially when the death is so sudden and the illness was not known fully until it was all over. And, in a strange symmetry, another important person also died within the year, but my age, so when I turned 48, I realized that not only had I survived, but he did not. Then, in 2001, my mother died too young. I hate Alzheimer's Disease. Then, my brother died at 44, he would have been 45 in September, in June 2005. So, when I reached 48, in 2005, fairly healthy and still standing up, I was sort of surprised. In 1998, and pretty much through 2006, I had very complicated grief.

I did not fear dying or wish for death at 48. Rather, I just had this burden of that age in mind the whole dang year. I made some very difficult decisions in that same year, like leaving a toxic relationship and a toxic workplace. So, after some good work on grief (Thanks to some good therapy and good meds, and in huge credit to PeerSpirit), I went into my 49th year with true rejoicing.

For my 49th birthday, as if to say, "I'm still standing!" I went out and got myself a tattoo, a triskele from my pre-Christian Irish heritage (lots of Irish in my background).

I also bought my vintage Airstream travel trailer (on another post). I went to Michigan to pick it up on a Wednesday, left it in the parking lot at my job, and left on Friday for a week-long retreat for "Isolated Activists" where I met Rachel.

This time last year, Rachel and I were courting and sparking, and I was wrestling with my determination to leave the Midwest and go to Seattle, in the Airstream, after sifting through all of my possessions, finishing my year of teaching, and letting go of tons of baggage of all kinds. But, by Thanksgiving, I think, I knew my move west would be far shorter distance than I had planned.

Let me just say, I made the right decision, to come home to Rachel. I also must admit that, at times, I do wonder "what if" about that cross-country plan to move to Seattle, but those are fleeting thoughts that have mostly to do with my own "stuff" related to my new role as a "woman of maternal influence" and having a suddenly much more noisy and busy life. My wishful thinking about going into my fifties with some gravitas? Forget about it.

Becoming 50 also brings the focus more sharply on the real health concerns that, addressed now, will make for a better body in which to live this noisy and busy life. I get the baseline colonoscopy on Friday. I've had some other tests, routine stuff, and it all looks good, except for the cholesterol. I really want to control that with diet and exercise and not the meds, so I'm going out to the market for dinner and staying away from my nemesis, fast food and having dinner out in restaurants.

Turning 50 needs to be a milestone for me. I am focusing in on it because there is so much good living to continue, so much to look forward to, and I do love my life so much I could shout! I just shouted!

Scum-sucking Bottom-feeders

Now that I have sort of settled in on Blogspot and Google (and for those who have the password, on .Mac), I am consolidating my blog efforts here.

I posted this piece after we had our service in the Outer Banks in July. I had posted part of it on our service photos, just in case someone identified one of my friends and threatened this friend with the church's witch-hunt against allies of GLBTQ persons.

Here it goes:

A joke is meta-logic, using a common situation and common language and giving it a little twist that magically connects to an experience of disorientation or discomfort that can also be commonly experienced. Most of the time, a joke makes one laugh. Sometimes, a joke evokes tears; and sometimes, the response is both (have to laugh or cry, but have to do something!).

Meta-analysis requires sophistication of logic applied to a bit of speech or other performance. It also kills jokes.

Meta-logic also can be quickly seen in an artistic expression. Recently, my partner and I had a ceremony of holy union, a covenant service, and we had a wonderful time. We were surrounded by life-long friends and family, across the generations, from age 5 to -- what? -- maybe 75?I posted on another blog all of the pictures and pieces of our ceremony, and I protected it all with a password, so only those who were invited could enjoy my presentation of our story.

Because the ceremony was attended by some whose ministry credentials would be threatened and by children whom I wanted to protect from predators, I felt I should act defensively. But, the caution also raised questions because not all was revealed transparently.

As some sort of joke, I posted a little warning sign with this message: Note to the scum-sucking bottom-feeding witch-hunting ordination-stealing idiots of the church: [The other clergy person present] did not preside over this ceremony of holy union. This site is password protected, so go away and mind your own business.

Someone who was somewhat removed from the situation, yet was given access to the site (always a risk) saw my message and sent this email to my partner:

I recently viewed the links you sent from your union.It has been over a year and half that we have thought about getting together for dialog. (I first mentioned this back in the fall of 2005) I think we will not get the chance to dialog about the [unidentified denomination's] stance on ordaining homosexuals, or admitting them for membership. Maybe I am just assuming you were ordained in the [unidentified denomination], and wonder how that came about as you are openly homosexual. I remain curious as to how you reconcile this stance as you live your life in a Church that does not value your whole being.The main reason I don't think we can dialog is the following note displayed on one of the links you sent regarding your recent union. [then she quoted my note above.] I don't know if this is your true feeling about your church, or your partner's feeling about the Church where you pastor and serve. I know, for me, while I may not agree with a particular religion's stance on homosexuals, I value dialog or accepting them as they are. I thought you did as well. The above note doesn't fit with dialog. I am sure we will cross paths …End of message.

So, my partner, of course, sent this message to me because it was in response to my blog. I have taken out all identifying information. After I read that email to my partner, I wrote the following on my own blog:

Good morning! There is a joke among private-practice physicians: What's the difference between a trial lawyer and a catfish? One's a scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and one's a fish. My late partner, N, told me that joke so many years ago, and it is so well-understood in my circle of friends, that I did not think much about it. So, now, I have to conduct a meta-analysis, which always kills a joke.

Someone was offended by my warning message on one of my photo pages. Since that person is reading this, she obviously has been given the password, meaning she was trusted with our thoughts and celebrations. But, perceptions can vary. The expressions on this blog are mine, not my partner's. This person has declared that she cannot be in dialogue with my partner now, because of my words. I'm not sure what that is about, but guess what? You're in dialogue now! I'm responding.

So far, no one has made a mission out of disturbing my partner's ability to be in ministry as an ordained minister. Her ministry has flourished within the choices she has made. She can speak for herself on this point. I celebrate and would defend her ability to be in ministry in the way she expresses that at [a wonderful gay-friendly church in our city].

But, the other clergy person present, has been threatened -- and she is straight! Married to [cool guy] Mom of 2 kids.This friend is guilty by association -- with me. She still has her credentials because people who are not scum-sucking bottom-feeders have exercised the kind of grace and reason that protect the innocent in times of witch-hunting. The same is true for my partner.

I did lose my credentials for ministry ten years ago because someone/s made a mission of having me blocked from ordination. Not only did I lose my credentials (I chose to resign rather than go through the public ordeals that have made news in recent years. That's a choice for another blog posting later), but, the credentials of lots of people I love were brought into question simply because they were my friends, including students in my campus ministry group, seminarians, or newly ordained clergy. I chose to go to battle for them with the Board of Ordained Ministry, not for myself. It's a long story, and I will write all about it soon. If you are not willing to support us, please be kind and gracious, and do not pass our passwords to anyone else. Please be in dialogue. I'm all ears.

And then what happened???!!!

Now, this is the perfect screen for all sorts of projections. Privately, I have had several responses to my private blog. These responses could have been comments posted on the blog, but I do provide email for private correspondence and that was the choice. Interesting that the one who wrote the email to my partner did not choose the blog comment link or the private email to me, provided on the blog, but wrote separately to my partner!

Then, when my partner responded to her, the writer scuttled sideways, taking back all of the animus of the origninal message, writing, I couldn't tell whose blog it was.

Come on -- it's on the first page, Annie Mac's Living Human Document! My partner and I are individuals, connected in very significant ways (viva la connection!), didn't this person also read about the construction of our rings? Of course, I can have an opinion about the denomination that differs from my partner's. I love my partner and support her ministry, while also not supporting the church. So, no wonder the writer is not in dialogue -- such practices do not move anyone toward light.

Of course, with such powerful emotions in play, I have had some encouragement to look deeper into my own motives for posting the joke about scum-sucking bottom-feeders. To wit, ....

... One response that I respect very much is that I am still trying to work out past pain, that of losing my credentials. I want to write more about this, and I will. I think there is truth in the observation, but there is also much that is very present, very current about the pain. It is true that my United Methodist ordained minister friend could get in lots of trouble for her presence at my service, and for making a presentation to us, a gift that I requested from her -- that was in no sense presiding over the exchange of vows or declaration of marriage! (I feel I should say it again!) I know she could get into trouble because she was threatened, along with many other clergy, for similar witch-hunting in another location.

Another response was the inspiration for removing the negative energy from my iWeb blog to this blog. The warning note that appeared on one of my photo pages appeared quite jarring to one friend whose observations carry the sweet old character of Southern gentility. I used some harsh names and set up the unpleasant sensory overload of scum-sucking and bottom-feeding alongside some beautiful sensory presentations on the iWeb blog.

I admit, I did have the dissonance ringing and the grotesquery of visual experience as I placed the warning in the fist place, with the rather harsh, "go away and mind your own business."It is tragic, isn't it, that a joyful occasion can be visited by such ugliness as the fear that something bad could happen to my friend? And, isn't this also like life, that we all make choices for happiness, and we prepare for the consequences the best we can, and still the life-giving strives amid the death-dealing.

I think the life-giving wins. Releasing dialogue and possibility into life, like this reflection, might be one of the positive steps.

Airstream Chronicles

1968 Airstream Trade Wind, twin model, built in Jackson Center, OH
purchased from a family in Michigan in September 2006

We took the Airstream down to Brown County State Park for a few days during the October break. Leaves were really confused by the warm weather. By the time we left, some cool weather had coaxed some color into the maples, yellow woods, and smaller trees and bushes like dogwoods, persimmons, and sumac. We had Rachel's perfect sabbatical schedule each day: breakfast, a walk, lunch, a nap, supper, and in between all of those highlights, lots of reading and "quiet time."

We've taught ourselves a lot about campground Airstreaming by making the short trip down to Brown County State Park, IN, a few times this past spring, summer, and fall. We've gone for as few as a couple of days, to as long as our recent six day sojourn. It's a beautiful place to learn about this kind of camping.

We will be working on the Airstream for years to come, from the looks of things. We feel pretty safe about driving at least as far as the state parks. I had the axles checked out, new electric brakes added, with new breakaway. Some new tires would be a good idea first thing next season. For now, we're good to go for tailgating downtown. And, we feel safe with the systems (water, gas, electricity). But, some major upgrades are needed.

Go Colts!

Go long, Gavin! Mom Krista warms up for the big game in the Lilly parking lot.

Rachel, Chiclette, and me hanging out pre-game. Remember how hot it was that day? Yuk! But, we won!!!

I even took the Airstream to Chicago to celebrate Laurel's new book. Here we are by the U. of C. Lab School, just down from the Robie House on 58th in Hyde Park. I'm sure stranger things have happened, but we did attract some attention, including very nice fellow Airstreamers (66 Sovereign). Jim goes to the Lab School, ninth grade, and dad John works for the university.

Paul's toast to the author for her latest accomplishment, Beyond Monotheism.

Parked beside the University of Chicago Lab School

The Robie House, houses the Frank Lloyd Wright museum and tour.

John and Jim stopped by after school (UC Lab School) one day, proud owners of a 1966 Sovereign of the Road, a much bigger family model of Airstream. They invited me to join in a rally coming up in Illinois -- maybe next time!

We know that the upholstery and carpet have to go. Someone updated the cushions in recent years, but the frames are original and the carpet is old Michigan hunting-lodge gross. Well, at least we don't mind having the old carpet while we are making repairs. How about that Naugahyde and the lovely floral print? I'm hoping to update with some of my collections of fly fishing "stuff" and to make more space for reading and writing.



But, such superficial concerns will come much later. First, we have to rehab at least the back end, gut the bath/shower/lav, holding tank, and, most likely, repair the flooring. The floor (don't have a good picture yet) is not rotten, but a previous owner seems to have cut away a piece of the flooring to make room for some plumbing repairs. That's not good for long-term use and travel. These rear-end bath models have a tendency to separate under the weight of the holding tank. The integrity of the frame/floor/shell are crucial to a happy trip, I'm told.

And, there is the matter of the accident that the previous owners had coming down from upstate MI to meet me with the trailer. Going 80mph on the interstate, the p.o. discovered that he failed to tighten the lugs on one of the wheels when the wheel came flying past him on the road. The skin is torn and will have to be repaired -- another winter afternoon or two (at least) of work to be done.

I'm told these skin repairs are not impossible -- just the kind of encouragement I need to tackle the steep learning curve it will require, including riveting and sheet metal cutting.

Speaking of travel, we learned that our Airstream was born to travel, not to park for more than three days with the kind of heavy use of the water system and the holding tank (black tank, sewer, etc.) that we had over the recent break. We felt that without water and sewer hookups, always the case at the state parks, we would have to refill the water tank and dump after three days, even if we didn't use the shower. We like to cook, and we use a lot of water with cleaning up the pots and pans and dishes. However, knowing these limits gives us encouragement to plan to travel more after we know we have the frame, axles, wheels, and tires to take us on a longer journey. Yes, this is certainly a PROJECT!

Some of My Favorite Things

This is me, IndyAnne, on the right.

Here we are back in the summer, between my move to Indy and our service in the Outer Banks in July.

Rachel and Chiclette are my family.

On a private blog, I recorded our service of covenant that we celebrated with extended family and friends at the Outer Banks of North Carolina, July 22, 2007. That was the spiritual and symbolic seal of our covenant. The legal part that most resembles marriage are the contracts we have for our home's deed, life insurance, and things like that. Maybe one day the politics will settle down and we can have the same rights as other adults who love each other, want to be joined in the civil part of marriage that offers the protections that we have to pay extra for now.

The private blog is much more romantic about our love, our beautiful rings, and how wonderful the whole thing was. This blog is much more about politics, and a place to extend contentious conversations out into the universe. When I put these kinds of rants on the private blog, it felt much too heavy. Perhaps this blog will be a better location for these heavier and sometimes very painful conversations and reflections. I say "conversation" because I do invite dialogue.

The next post will be about some issues that came up around our service.